The Immigration Dream Team

I thought I would throw my two cents in, since immigration is such a hot topic right now. I think the United States of America should be run more like a major league baseball team. There are only so many spots and you have to earn your spot, or you get sent down to the minors.

Now we have Cuban families who are floating across the Florida Straits, one hundred miles of shark infested waters, on a boat they made out of an old chicken coop and two rolls of duct tape. That requires courage and endless amounts of ingenuity to accomplish. Not to mention risking years in a Cuban prison if you are caught. These are people I want on our team.

You have men from Central America making the journey through Mexico, dealing with the drug cartels, kidnappers, and random violence. Getting to the Rio Grande, and swimming through those dangerous currents to reach US soil. Then you have to make it through a hundred miles of desert with nothing but a pancho and a gallon of water. All the while dodging the Border Patrol intent on sending you back where you came from. And they do this so they can come to America and mow my lawn for five bucks an hour. Again, these are more people I want on our team.

On the other hand, you have a welfare mom who has five kids with three different men. All of her kids are in foster care because she is an unfit mother. She has never worked a day in her life and intends to live off the state for the rest of her life. Well, maybe we should send her down to one of our affiliates in say, Haiti. She could work her way back to the big team. But just because you were born here, doesn’t mean you get to stay when you are useless. You have to earn your spot.

Say you are a crackhead, petty criminal, who has been in and out of jail since you turned eighteen. We could send you to our affiliate in Somalia for example. Try and get crack there slick. And you would have to work because there is almost nothing there to steal. Welcome to the real world my crackhead friend! If you want to work your way back to the big leagues you have to prove that you are providing value. You have got to beat out someone who is already on the team. If you don’t, your life expectancy is relatively short in Somalia.

There are many countries that for a nominal fee, would be happy to take our problem citizens off our hands. Let us welcome the most industrious, and creative citizens from their countries. Let the United States of America be the dynasty that it was meant to be by keeping the best and launching the worst. Let’s be the Bulls of the 90’s. That is my idea, and I approve this message.


Criminal Mastermind

Not all criminals are stupid, but a lot of them are. Anthony Ballard is certainly a fine example. Look at the video of his clever plan to conceal a chainsaw in his pants.

I think criminal mastermind is certainly a description for Anthony. He is almost a magician the way he puts the chainsaw in his pants, and shazam, it disappears. Nothing strange about him waddling out of the store. And then, escaping, on a bicycle. Nothing unusual about a guy riding a bicycle down the street with a chainsaw stuck down his pants. Plain to see this was a well thought out criminal enterprise. No mention of what Anthony, a homeless guy, intended to do with a chainsaw. After the store employees chased him Anthony was forced to ditch the chainsaw in the woods. He took off and when the police searched he was no where to be found. He got caught when he returned to the woods to look for the chainsaw, because, he was going to wink, wink, return it to the store. Everyone buying that story please raise your hands.

Here is my proposal. Stupid criminals should get double the sentence. We can’t have idiots like this running around. They will hurt themselves or other people through the sheer enormity of their idiocy.

Life is hard, especially when you are stupid

Sometimes, if you are an idiot you may be able to hide it from the world. You may not look like an idiot, so if you keep your mouth shut, most people won’t know that you are an idiot. Or, you could tattoo things on your face so everyone knows you are a idiot. I introduce you to Vin Los, a bonafide dumb ass. Vin Los is an aspiring model in Montreal. He has decided that the way to fame and fortune is to tattoo up his body like a scrabble board.


This is so monstrously stupid it almost takes your breath away. Facial tattoos are generally a really bad idea. But then covering your face, and body with words, and not even interesting words, is a horrible idea. His arm says London and Bangkok and Baghdad. His neck says World Sex Bomb. That must be a super secret weapon the military hasn’t released yet. All his tattoos look like they are prisons tattoos. If you are going to get something tattooed on your face get someone good to do it. Don’t have your neighbor who works at Jiffy Lube do it because he is cheap.

thMike Tyson has a facial tattoo, but he is Mike Tyson. We expect him to do crazy stuff. And his looks kind of cool. Mike Tyson will never have to fill out a job application. Mike Tyson will never have to tell the manager at Starbucks where he sees himself in five years. Mike Tyson will never have to convince anyone of why he would be a good UPS Driver. Vin is currently working in the glamorous world of groceries, at a grocery store to be exact. Vin, chances are much better that you will still be working in a grocery store in five years than you will be world famous and hanging out with Bono and all the beautiful people.

Vin says he wants to be a model. He can’t understand why no one has signed him to a huge modeling contract. Vin, what you don’t seem to comprehend is that companies want models to make their clothes look good. They want people looking at the clothes, not at what the model has tattooed on his face. You aren’t very bright, obviously, or you wouldn’t have done this. The only thing you had going for you is you were good looking. Now you have gone and ruined that.

“I want to be the most famous man who who ever lived” (…)  “I did it to become the icon of pop culture, even bigger than Marylin Monroe.”
Vin Los

Above is the actual quote from his website, and yes, he did spell Marilyn wrong. Further proof that he was not valedictorian of his class. Vin, buddy, no one is bigger than Marilyn Monroe. She slept with a President. You could try, Bill Clinton is still around. You are better looking that Monica Lewinsky, and she got a shot at him. You need to lower your standards. You could try to be bigger than Sarah Palin. You two have something in common, you are both geographically challenged. Sarah can see Russia from her house, and you probably can’t find the places you have tattooed on your arm on a map. Maybe try to be bigger than Snooki. Remember her, the loud, trashy slut from Jersey Shore? She even was a guest hostess on Wrestlemania. Maybe you could slip by her. I think this is it, Velma. You know Velma from Scooby Doo? Vin, you should try to be more famous than her. That is a little more realistic I think. I still don’t think you are going to make it. But, if they have a Dumb Ass Hall of Fame you got my vote. And maybe, if you work hard, you can eventually be produce manager. Nothing wrong with that. But you have to overcome the “Who’s the weirdo with all the stuff tattooed on his face” reaction. Good luck with that.

Running with the Bulls might be Stupid

So this is Bill HIllmann, co-author of the book “Fiesta: How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona”. My book will be out later this year. It is called “How to Survive the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona”. It is a short book, only one page, it says don’t do it you dimwit. I will be writing the same book under the title “How to Survive Swimming in Shark Infested Waters Wearing Raw Hamburger”.

There are many human endeavors that don’t make sense. This has to be near the top of the list. Incidentally, this activity is called ‘running with the bulls’. You don’t run with bulls, you run from them. You don’t pet a rattlesnake, and you don’t try to take food from a bear. Somewhere common sense should tell these people you shouldn’t do this stuff. On the other hand, this may very well be survival of the fittest in action. It may be nature’s way of culling the herd a little.

All the bulls end up in a pen and they are later killed in bullfights. That is a bit of a misnomer. When I think of a fight, I think of a struggle where both parties have a chance to win. It might be a little one-sided, but both parties have some chance to win. Since 1764 there have been 52 matadors that have died as a result of bullfights. So in 250 years there have been 52, about 1 every five years. According to the World Society for the Protection of Animals about 250,000 bulls die in bullfights each year. If they average one matador killed every five years, they that means 1.25 million bulls dies every five year for every one matador. That doesn’t feel like a fair fight.

To put that in perspective, while 1 matador dies every five years, about 50 people die in hunting accidents in the US each year. So there are about the same number of people killed deer hunting each year as have been killed in the last 250 years bullfighting. About 150 people are killed every year, around the world, by falling coconuts. On average, 8 people are killed each year, by being struck by lightening on a golf course. So maybe bullfighting isn’t really the death-defying sport we make it out to be. If you have a better chance of being killed on a golf course, by a coconut, or while deer hunting, it probably isn’t that dangerous.

And It isn’t really a fight if you know the outcome beforehand. That is why Mike Tyson never fought Rush Limbaugh. You know what the outcome would be. Although, come to think of it, I’d pay $50 on pay per view to see that. In the end you know that the bull will die. It is like watching a fishing show and then being surprised at the end when the guy catches a fish. You should have seen that coming. If you want to watch people risk their lives watch Nascar. At least all the participants there chose to be there. And at a Nascar races sometimes women show their boobs. Never heard of that at a bullfight.

So we started out talking about running with the bulls, and eventually ended up finding out why Nascar is better than bullfighting. Thanks for riding along. See you next time.

Another look alike running for Congress


Timothy Murray was a candidate for the Oklahoma Congress. He lost a primary to Rep. Frank Lucas. Murray has run against Lucas before and lost. But this time, Murray is contesting the results because he claims that Lucas, is “no longer alive and has been displayed by a look alike.”

These are the two letters he posted on his website.

I, Timothy Ray Murray, am a human, born in Oklahoma, and obtained and continue to fully meet the requirements to serve as U.S. Representative when honored to so.  I will never use a look alike to replace my (The Office’s) message to you or to anyone else, as both the other Republican Challengers have.

Rep. Frank Lucas, and a few other Oklahoma and other States’ Congressional Members were depicted as being executed by The World Court on or about Jan. 11, 2011 in Southern Ukraine. On television they were depicted as being executed by the hanging about the neck until death on a white stage and in front of witnesses. Other now current Members of Congress have shared those facts on television also. We know that it is possible to use look alike artificial or manmade replacements, however Rep. Lucas was not eligible to serve as a Congressional Member after that time.

The World knows the truth and We must always display and communicate the truth. I will always share public information with the truth when honored to serve as your Representative.

June 24, I need your vote. The vote cannot be overlooked by the Judicial Branch, however the vote must be there and in order to be heard as the will of The People and not cast-off.

News Person,

 The election for U.S. House for Oklahoma’s 3rd District will be contested by the Candidate, Timothy Ray Murray. I will be stating that his votes are switched with Rep. Lucas votes, because it is widely known Rep. Frank D. Lucas is no longer alive and has been displayed by a look alike. Rep. Lucas’ look alike was depicted as sentenced on a white stage in southern Ukraine on or about Jan. 11, 2011.

This is a situation similar to the Senators’ from Kentucky situation in the 2012 election. I am contesting that this matter has happen since his election was blocked, because of the U.S. Defense Department’s use of Mr. Murray’s DNA. To my knowledge, the U.S. Defense Department has not released to the public that information, as it is their confidential information about many people. Congress is likely wanting me to state that all my DNA used will not result in benefits to people I have never had relations with of a family nature. I have been bound to protect that information unless it causes harm to The People.

The contest of election and or petition will be correctly filed with county election boards and with federal offices. I, Hon. Mr. Timothy Ray Murray, fully meet all Constitutional, Federal and Oklahoma requirements for election and for holding Office if the voters’ results show that is the case.

Thank You for your service in giving Oklahomans great current news and information.

Hon. Timothy Ray Murray

In the first note Murray says he is a human. Thank God for that. I’m glad we established this up front. He goes on to say he would never use a look alike to replace himself. I have told my wife that a thousand times. I say, “Honey, I will never use a look alike to replace myself. In case you were worried about that.” I’m always worried that a look alike would do all the stuff around the house my wife has wanted me to do for years. I tell her that I don’t do that stuff because I want her to know I am me and not some look alike.

Murray claims that Lucas was hanged in Southern Ukraine and other members of Congress have shared these facts on television also. The media is lackadaisical sometimes, but I am pretty sure they wouldn’t have missed a story about members of Congress, state or federal, getting hanged. As a matter of fact many people might be happy about members of Congress getting hanged, but that is another story. What is this mysterious World Court you speak of Mr. Murray? Is it run by one of your imaginary friends from childhood, or perhaps space aliens?

This is my favorite part of the second letter. “Congress is likely wanting me to state that all my DNA used will not result in benefits to people I have never had relations with of a family nature.” Now there is something wrong with much of this note, but this bolded part seems particularly wrong. He is worried that his DNA will be used in benefits to people he has never had relations with of a family nature. Doesn’t that sound like cousins marrying and having relations of a family nature?

The troubling thing, to me anyway, is that this is the second time Frank Murray has run for state office. This time he came in third with only 5.2% of the vote. Did no one realized he was crazy the first time? He only got 5.2% of the vote, but that still equates to 3442 people who voted for the crazy guy. People, pay attention, the dude is crazy. But at least we know that his DNA would never be used in benefits to people he has never had relations of a family nature with. He did have that going for him.

Update on Christ Bearer the rapper

This is an update on the story about Andre Johnson the rapper who cut off his penis and jumped off a building. Now he says that he did it because he was smoking pot, reading a book about monks and vasectomies, and depressed about not seeing his daughters. So this caused him to sever his penis and jump off a building.

Now first I think you need to read a little further in the book. Because in a vasectomy they don’t actually cut the penis off. They merely cut or seal the vas deferens as a means of sterilization. And Andre, they are monks, so they don’t have a really close relationship with their penis area anyway. So I would be reluctant to take their advice in that arena.

It appears that a plastic surgeon was able to reattach the appendage and Andre says it is functional. However he may not be able to have any more children. Yeah! So far Andre, you have not demonstrated that your genes are anything to pass on, particularly to a boy child. My advice to you is to stop reading those dark books about monks and vasectomies and start reading happier books, with ninjas and unicorns, stuff like that.


World Cup Truce

I would like to say that if you are enjoying the World Cup, I am happy for you. It is not my thing. I find soccer to be boring. So let us have an agreement. I will not make fun of you for loving soccer, if you don’t try to convince me I am wrong for not liking it. I don’t want to hear about what amazing athletes they are. I don’t want to hear about the beauty of the game. It puts me to sleep. Let’s call a truce, shall we? You can wallow in your soccer paradise during the World Cup while I wait for NFL training camps to start, okay?